Until it hit me- the sensations of anger, sadness, feeling partially estranged. I couldn't put my finger on what was so wrong. A rare moment of solidarity and silence was all it took for me to sort it out and finally, diagnose myself. As I had been working vigorously on my insurmountable course work, I press the pause button when my family calls me on skype. Within moments of the first "hello", my eyes water up and my voice begins to quiver. I couldn't quite say why I was an emotional wreck, because I myself was unsure.
When times of reality hit, such as an instance like this one, I find these are the times where I am most real and honest with myself. It wasn't only that looming nostalgia that's been with me since August- it's fear of depleting faith, fear of succumbing to various temptations and the struggle to find God in all these situations. Why is it all so hard? I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. Life is hard, life brings challenges, life is a pain in the ass sometimes. But, everything is so worth it if you learn to stick close to God.
Challenges of all sorts have faced me over the past few months- how to deal with unconquerable amounts of homework; smoking hooka or even how to deal with extreme lack of sleep, for heaven's sake. As minute as these all may seem, they take a toll on you- and through it all, it's easy to loose sight of what's most important.
I'm tryin' to keep my eye on the prize and not loose what matters most.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
It's a rainy evening and I take a stroll outside, apathetic to the rain.
Umbrella-less, it doesn't matter. The cool rain is landing on my
face, and actually, it's quite refreshing. Each drop that lands on me is bringing a smile to my face. Perhaps it's the most rejuvenating thing I've felt after a long day of classes and work. Rushing from one thing to the next, there's always been more to do. A break feels nice. Absorbing this rare moment of peace, my mind still continues to work, even though the rest of my body has relaxed. As I'm walking, I am reflecting on some words my professor told my class: "you are all on the horizon of the known". At first, I didn't understand. What's that mean? Thinking about it, I'm advancing towards what I know is out there. Here I am in Grantham, Pennsylvania. I present myself to you as a young college student, avidly seeking to become something great. To better myself by what I learn here and to almost, become a baby again- to absorb everything around me and to learn by what I am shown. I'm on a continuous quest for finding who I am and what I will become- and somehow, that's okay with me. For now, I am squinting my eyes to see what's ahead and even without glasses, at least I can tell it's bright.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
There was one day, somewhat recently, where I had an over-abundant urge to hug my dogs. Really, it was the only thing I wanted to do- just hug my dogs. As weird and childish as it may seem, embracing them makes me feel at home. And when you're away at college, well... you start to miss those small things you took for granted when you lived at home. My divergent longings have not only extended towards wanting to hug my two dogs.. but they have far surpassed that. I've come to a crazy realization of how much I miss being woken up by my dog, Chex in the morning, instead of brandon heath's muffled singing voice from my cell phone. Interestingly enough, I sort of miss Chex's high pitched whining in my ear at 6 in the morning. sort of.
Never before have I been more grateful for my dad's cups of tea. Seriously, Lottie Nelson's caffeine products just haven't been cutting it. It was a glorious morning this past week to have been woken up to a fresh cuppa under my nose, the smell of that perfect cup of tea wafting under my nostrils. The warmth it provided for my chilled body- since I seem to have trouble retaining any sort of body heat (ever).
The family dinners- gathered around our quaint round table. To be together.. there's really nothing better.
Nothing quite like waking up in the morning, jumping out of bed, and having the smell of pumpkin pancakes drift up the stairway from the kitchen.
I love being home.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
My brain has been stretched farther than ever before.
To think creatively in such a way that any creation of mine will stand out among others, that will pop out, say something, catch the eye of onlookers. To think like this and work quickly.
For the first time in my life- I'm being asked (for a grade) to do what I love.
a n d i t i s w o n d e r f u l .
Some may chose to have stress override original and innocent passion- believe it, it's happened to me. Where the question "why the heck am I even doing this" dominates your thinking. You can't get past how annoying or tedious your task is.
but try looking at the bigger picture. you're doing this because it is what you love. and if it's what you love, why not go ahead and fully captivate yourself with it. learn every detail there is to know about it.
Don't loose sight of that original passion. hold on to it, because it's gonna be a long ride, my friends. and that passion may be the only thing that'll carry you through.