Monday, March 1, 2010

Until it hit me- the sensations of anger, sadness, feeling partially estranged. I couldn't put my finger on what was so wrong. A rare moment of solidarity and silence was all it took for me to sort it out and finally, diagnose myself. As I had been working vigorously on my insurmountable course work, I press the pause button when my family calls me on skype. Within moments of the first "hello", my eyes water up and my voice begins to quiver. I couldn't quite say why I was an emotional wreck, because I myself was unsure.

When times of reality hit, such as an instance like this one, I find these are the times where I am most real and honest with myself. It wasn't only that looming nostalgia that's been with me since August- it's fear of depleting faith, fear of succumbing to various temptations and the struggle to find God in all these situations. Why is it all so hard? I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. Life is hard, life brings challenges, life is a pain in the ass sometimes. But, everything is so worth it if you learn to stick close to God.

Challenges of all sorts have faced me over the past few months- how to deal with unconquerable amounts of homework; smoking hooka or even how to deal with extreme lack of sleep, for heaven's sake. As minute as these all may seem, they take a toll on you- and through it all, it's easy to loose sight of what's most important.

I'm tryin' to keep my eye on the prize and not loose what matters most.


  1. Himay,

    Can I just say how much I love the honesty of your post? This is going to sound so "adult" right now, but it really seems that God is blessing you with some straight up suffering. It's not random, though, because God is never that.

    No, he uses pain like a scalpel, cutting out the things in us that aren't like Jesus; or a hammer, pounding out our impurities and shaping us, white hot from the fire. It sounds to me like you are experiencing the loving, discipline of God. Because He loves you, he perfects you.

    Jesus suffered and said we would, too. The Bible says that He had to be perfected as a savior through suffering. Once more, with feeling - JESUS had to be PERFECTED as a savior through SUFFERING. So, God is making you like Jesus. Sucks to go through, but relief and maturity and joy are on the way by the truckload. Trust me - I have SO been there.

    The Bible also says that "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." So since I love you, I will bear things for you in prayer when you can't. And since I love you, I will believe for you when you are unable. And since I love you, I will hope and endure for you, too. That's what friends do.

    Jamie, you are one my favorite people in the universe - what a marvelous homo sapien you are - and I love you like you were my own sister. I'll keep my eye on the prize with you. I think I am standing in a long line of people doing that for you!

    Stay close to Jesus, Jamie!


  2. hey himay.
    this is the first time I am here at your blog and this is the first post that I read!
    As bill said, the thing that makes this post lovely is your honesty.
    I wish whatever you are going through may be over soon and may you get the prize you are looking ahead to.

    About life being tough... yes it is. But that is what brings the depth in you. That is what teaches you to complement your darker and weaker side. Good Luck! *smile*

  3. I hope you don't mind me reading this, because I don't want to appear stalkerish (I know this might might be me just digging myself a grave, but I'm trying not to), but it's always nice to know that other people out there think life is a pain in the ass. I think that we all have these fears that we are inadequate, that things are going down hill ect.

    push through and you'll get through it--life will pass by and go through stages, but God will always be there.